Master Of Puppets

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It was wiping tears from my eyes that I read the Peta Credlin IVF story in the Sunday paper.

Don’t be so cynical, it truly moved me. I don’t think I’ve laughed so much since the last season of The IT Crowd.

I mean seriously, I was in stitches with the tears starting to form puddles at my feet. Are we supposed to treat this stuff seriously?

The woman whose job it is to ensure the unelectable Tony Abbott is elected at all costs has told Marie Claire and News Ltd the story of Tony Abbott’s apparent support during her IVF treatment.

It is supposedly true that Abbott has been doing all he can to help Credlin fall pregnant, going the extra mile so to speak. Hmmm, very supportive indeed.

Bannanarama called, they want their dress back

It would seem however that there are those who are sceptical of this story for some reason. There are those who question the integrity of the woman who has time and time again shown her loyalty to her men.

Pete Credlin proudly supported her man Brendan Nelson as leader until he was assassinated by Malcolm Turnbull. Credlin then stood behind her new man Malcolm Turnbull as leader until he was stabbed in the back by Tony Abbott. Now Credlin proudly stands behind her man of the minute Abbott. What a record of loyalty…

Credlins desperate attempt to show the mythical man who respects women inside the shell of a misogynist only highlights what we already know about Tony Abbott. Abbott is a man who seemingly thinks women are puppets for him to play with, and when that doesn’t work he has been known to respond with violence, sexism, and slander.

This is the man who leads the party in which a prominent member when referring to Julia Gillards lack of child bearing history referred to her as “deliberately barren”. Abbott himself was eventually forced to apologise (albeit Alan Jones style) after a comment he made on a morning show while discussing the baby bonus. He referred to the governments “inexperience on these matters”. How subtle…

After having on air shots at Julia on television, and repeated references to her lack of children, we are now supposed to believe that Mr Misogynist 2012 Tony Abbott is sensitive about a woman longing to have children. It must be true as the woman whose job it is to see him elected says so? I believe Leyton Hewitt said it best when he said “C’m dafuck On” or something like that.

Credlin must be chuffed to be recruited as the last ditch effort to try and portray something other than a “small man syndrome” inside the unelectable Abbott. Previous attempts by Abbott’s own wife and daughters have failed catastrophically, along with desperate attempts with the infamous “Tony I know” line that were made by the more feminine members of the front bench such as Julie Bishop and Christopher Pyne. This debacle turned into a backfiring farce on Twitter in the end as the public saw it for the act of desperation it was.

Some have suggested that this farcical attempt to seem human, is yet another example of Abbott believing that women have nothing between their ears but the sound of crickets on a still night, and will believe anything they are spoon fed. The theory is that Abbott, in a desperate bid to seem less abhorrent to females has convinced his chief of staff to sacrifice her credibility so he can hopefully gain a couple of points in the polls.

Peta Credlin was upset when told that a talent was required to audition for the White Stripes

Whilst I can see the merit in this theory, I’m not entirely convinced. After all, there is another option…

As we enter the final leg of the race to the lodge before an election is called, it could just be that Abbott is concerned that he will be dumped as leader. All this Credlin fluff and spin could well be aimed at his own caucus. There is a deafening roar of calls to see Turnbull once again lead the party, so maybe this is a bizarre attempt to gain support within his own dysfunctional party. After all if his polling goes up, maybe his party won’t crucify him, and Credlin won’t have to switch loyalties yet again.

Malcolm Turnbull, has shown himself to be a man of principles and not just someone seeking power. He achieved this by leaving the Labor Party when they wouldn’t give him a safe seat and joining the Liberal Party, so strong are his principals. Now Malcolm seems to be biding his time awaiting Abbotts inevitable fall. The only political turncoat I can recall to gain the leadership of a major party seems destined to lead the party once more as there is nobody else in the Liberal caucus that could even be remotely considered for the top job.

Whatever the reason for this travesty, reading the fable reminded me of something I was told about a year ago.

Although I can’t recall the persons name, someone who told me they were a member of Julia Gillards staff told me about an interesting occurence.

Apparently during the tour of a Melbourne hospital whose services had been decimated by Ted Baillieu’s cutbacks, and then let down further by a total lack of support from the Victorian HSU under the factional rule of Kathy Jackson, the PM met someone who moved her profoundly.

This patient was a young lady in desperate need of facial reconstruction after she had been struck in the face by a pig that was coming in to land after flying to Melbourne from Canberra. This pig had left the Coalitions caucus room, one of the few places in Australia where pigs can fly, after a meeting where Tony Abbott had thrown his support behind a push to allow women to have a choice by backing calls to allow RU486 to be sold in Australia via a prescription. Other items on the agenda at the meeting were Abbotts calls to publicly condemn the Catholic Church for harbouring paedophiles and covering up their crimes, a push to “stop The Slogans”, and a collection of donations from members so that Joe Hockey could receive some Math tutoring from a local high school student at eleventeen dollars an hour.

Apparently during this meeting in particular, there were an extraordinarily large number of pigs flying out of the meeting in a state that could be best described as bewildered. It was one of these pigs that came crashing down on the poor unsuspecting lady now lying in a Melbourne hospital bed.

So moved by the plight of this young girl, and being such a fan of John Woo movies, Julia offered her support by offering to give her face as a transplant for the girl, just as she had seen in the film Face Off with Scientology man John Travolta.

It was only after the grateful young lady patient explained that this could in effect make Julia two-faced that the transplant didn’t occur. Apparently the young lady stated that being two-faced would not suit Julia’s style and she did not want to be a part of making Julia this way as there was more than enough of that two-faced behaviour to go around already on the opposition front bench.

In hindsight, I’m not sure whether the story re Gillard is true, or even if the person really was one of Gillards staff even.  It sounds a wee bit dicey with flying pigs and Abbott having a conscience and all that…

Anyway true or not, I thought it held more water than the utter horse shit coming out of Peta Credlins mouth for the right-wing propaganda machine.

Anyway Tony and Peta, I don’t know about the women you hang out with, but don’t judge the intelligence of Australian women by the women you have in your caucus.

Most women aren’t so gullible or stupid, and above all they are not puppets.

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Sophies Choice

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Here in Australia we are going through a mining boom. iron ore is worth Billions to our economy, as is coal and many other resources.

With the financial turmoil the world has been witnessing of late, the gold price has soared, making gold mining a very good business to be in. This has also made things a little more exciting for the weekend prospector.

The weekend prospector, nobody minds them, you see them on the beaches in Summer with their metal detectors, looking for lost jewellery and 20cent pieces. They may be a bit geeky, but at least they aren’t hurting anyone.

There is however one type of prospector that nobody likes, the Golddigger.

The Golddigger, sometimes referred to as the Homewrecker, is someone who preys upon someone else for their money by forming a romantic relationship with them. Basically making themselves a prostitute without the time off.

 Typically the victim is a man, who is rich, but aging. There have been some female victims, but it is predominantly men.

 One of the most famous cases of a Golddigger was the late Anna Nicole Smith. Anna was a Hollywood “train wreck”, a Playboy centerfold who saw her chance to set herself up for life when she met J Howard Marshall, a Multi Millionaire who seemed centuries her senior and certain to die shortly. They quickly married and when Marshall died, Anna hit the jackpot, the rest is history.

 The Golddigger uses whatever charm she can conjur up, to put the victim under her spell. A typical scenario would be a desperate 25 year old female coming on to a 65 year old man, who has lost most of his marbles, but kept most of his cash.

 The case I will go into today, is just that scenario, and it involves a public figure known for being larger than life in every aspect. She has an immense ego, a gigantic mouth that is always spitting venom, and seems to have large ambitions beyond her means.

Her name is Sophie Mirabella. She is a vocal member of the Liberal Party, Tony Abbotts “Party Of No”, she is an absolute “train wreck” of a politician. She is also a frontbencher, and the Liberal spokesperson for Innovation, Industry, and Science.

Sophies pot of gold, was a man by the name of Colin Howard, a prominent and popular Liberal Party figure from last century. If Colin was Sophies age today, then Sophie would be 3 years old, such is the age difference. Sophie formed a strange relationship with Colin which resulted in her receiving huge financial gains, as well as being directly responsible for her being in the position she is today politically. The downside to it all, is that Colin’s children became completely shut out of his life until the very end, allegedly by his own wishes, and also of course shut out of the will. When Colin Howard died in a nursing home on September 2nd this year, he died alone.

Sophie first entered Colin’s life back in 1994 when Sophie was 26. Colin, who was then 66 years old, was a QC nearing the end of his career. If Sophie craved a father figure as a partner, she would have chosen someone 20 years younger, with a 40 year age difference it must have seemed like dating her grandfather. I don’t even want to imagine the sex.

Within a year of meeting they were living together, however the nature of the relationship was kept hidden from Sophies family. The couple even went to the extent of leasing a flat, where Sophie could pretend to live if her family visited.

 In the year 2000, Sophie moved to Wangaratta in a bid for preselection to enter politics.

 Sophie had told Colin , by then  72 years old, that should she win, he would have a place in her staff. At his age, I can imagine, Colin would have been keen to be near someone who cared for him as much as possible.

 Colin loaned her a vehicle for her campaign, and also covered campaign costs of $100,000 to assist her in winning the seat.

Once Sophie had won the seat, and there was no longer the need for campaign funding, Sophie decided there was no place for Colin in her staff, and shortly after Sophie was in a relationship with another man.

Colin, went back to living a lonely life, most of his friends had vanished and his only companions were his 2 children, Mervyn and Lesley.

Living a life of extreme loneliness, I am quite sure that Colin would have been holding a candle for the woman he loved and cared for. This was demonstrated when he showed up to her wedding in 2006 nearly 4 hours early, like a desperate man with his arms outstretched.

Sophie had kept in touch with Colin during the few years between her marriage to Greg Mirabella, and her separation with Colin. It would seem that Sophie had good reason to keep the independently wealthy Colin close.

Later in 2006, Mervyn Howard became concerned that Sophie was holding a strange influence over his father, who was at that stage showing signs of Alzheimer’s disease. He based these concerns on conversations with his father.

Mervyn soon discovered that instead of giving Sophie and Greg a blender or a toaster as a wedding gift, Colin had instead given them $100,000, which they used as a downpayment to purchase a house.

Ask yourself this, if you were human, would you accept a $100,000 gift from an ex who was suffering from Alzheimer’s? Most wouldn’t…

Concerned about the cost of medical care for his father, as Colin was clearly going to be needing special attention for the remainder of his life, Mervyn sent Sophie an email. The email questioned whether Sophie and her husband thought it was moral to accept such a gift from someone who would need money for their future care.

Mervyn later received a typed letter, with a signature similar to his fathers, stating that he wanted no future contact from his children, Mervyn and Lesley. The letter was allegedly from Colin, but there is no way of knowing for sure.

Mervyn later found, that by this stage, his father Colin had done something both unexpected, and strange. Colin, just as his Alzheimer’s was setting in, had signed full power of attorney for medical and financial matters over to Sophie. She was not not only a beneficiary of Colin’s will, but the executor of it also.

How many people do you know that would hand control of their lives and money to an ex girlfriend, rather than their own family?

Mervyn and Lesley lost track of their father at this point, he disappeared from view. Their attempts to get in touch with Sophie were fruitless, as she wouldn’t return any of their numerous calls.

As it turned out, Colin was living  400 metres from the Mirabella’s, in a farmhouse that Sophie was leasing for him, as she now had control of his finances. At this stage Colin was unable to wash or clean his teeth, he was incontinent and unable to look after himself.

Sophie of course, was too busy to look after a needy patient, she had trouble to stir in Federal Opposition with her Liberal colleagues, so Greg would take care of Colin.

We are to believe that Greg Mirabella visited his wife’s ex boyfriend 4 times a day, bathed him, brushed his teeth, and must have changed his bedding due to in incontinence several times (at least one hopes so). Sophie would do the same when she was at home, according to her.

Colin finally resurfaced into his children’s lives, when at long last Sophie called Lesley. This call was not for any noble reasons though, merely to point out that Colin was in hospital after a fall, and was not expected to survive the day.

According to Sophie, Colin had fallen over. From this alleged fall, Colin had the usual injuries one gets when they fall over, a severe fever, concussion, a collapsed lower lung, a urinary tract infection, and he also ended up in the usual coma that someone falls into after a stumble…. Wow, I guess he must have fallen off a cliff…

Miraculously Colin pulled through, and his reunion with his children was an emotional one, and rather than saying he didn’t want to see them, he thanked them profusely for coming to see him.

In April 2010, after many attempts by Mervyn and Lesley Howard to seek answers to the questions they had regarding their fathers medical, and financial affairs, Sophie lawyered up. Sophie told Colin’s children that their fathers finances, his will, and his power of attorney were private matters, and none of their business.

On September 2 this year, Colin Howard QC died, survived by his 2 children Mervyn and Lesley, children who until Sophie Mirabella arrived on the scene, had a fantastic relationship with their father.

Now, as any children would, Mervyn and Lesley are looking for answers to some serious questions. Questions over their fathers care whilst at the farmhouse, questions over injuries from his alleged fall, questions over their fathers finances, and of course questions over their fathers will.

As Sophie Mirabella refuses to answer anything on the matter, the whole sordid saga looks as though it will be played out in court.

It is worth noting, that both of Colin’s children are not seeking money, both are well off.  In fact both have stated that any money that they may receive as a result of contesting their fathers will, they will donate to charity, something Sophie won’t offer of course.

This whole saga made me think of a good idea for a novel and a movie script though. A story about a man kept prisoner in a farmhouse where nobody knew where he was. Held by a crazy woman who made him write whatever she wanted written, under threat of beatings or holding back necessary  medication. Unfortunately, I realised, it’s already been done.

For those of you who will say this is a private matter, there are a couple of things to note. Firstly, remember this is Sophie Mirabella, one of the fastest to make personal attacks on political opponents, no matter how sensitive the issue. Secondly, Sophie has breached electoral laws. Any donation over $1,500 must be declared, Sophie took well in advance of 60 times that amount and did not declare it, this matter will now be under investigation, and if found guilty, it will be the second time Sophie has been found guilty committing  the exact same offence.

 There are those of you who will also say that I am being unfair, and cruel to compare Sophie Mirabella to Anna Nicole Smith, and I guess in a way they are right.

Anna at least had the decency to marry her man, Anna never went out of her way to break up her man’s family, and of course Anna stayed with her man until the end.

Anna clearly has some things that our Sophie lacks. They would be class, integrity, and a sense of decency.

There is a word for people like Sophie, actually there are several in my opinion… however based on the sorry saga presented above, there is only one of them fit to print, and that is Trash.

 

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This Week In The Coalition

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It is Friday, so I thought a lighthearted entry was in order, it kept me amused at any rate…..

This week in the Coalition…

Tony Abbott started by telling some fibs about the economy that he thought were about this big

But, as usual they turned out to be this big

After the public discovered that he was misleading the country, it was decided he should dress appropriately when going out in public

Always there to lend a helping hand, Scott Morrison had a sneaky fiddle when he thought nobody was looking to put the smile back on Abbott’s face

Although, was terrified to notice a pair of shocked onlookers

 

Morrison later claimed he had given his hand a good wash, and held it up for all to see

As usual, Andrew Robb was not at all amused by their antics

There was some good news though, Joe Hockey finally got that calculator he had been waiting for

And was quite smug when it helped him get his adding up right

He was however later disappointed when it turned out he had been missing half of the figures

In Canberra Christopher Pyne tried to keep a straight face when explaining the Liberals Direct Action Plan for the environment

And was later seen trying to explain it to someone who might take it seriously

While in Victoria, one of the policy’s authors, Greg Hunt, was kind enough to try and point out to a concerned constituent where he thought his credibility had gone

Julie Bishop, realising she’d probably be singing for her supper soon,  thought she’d be wise  to try and join the choir

Failing that, she auditioned for the new theatre production of Cats

At last she finally managed to get a part in the theatre production of Annie, but seemed genuinely shocked when at the last minute her part was given to Alan Jones instead

Up North, Barnaby Joyce was trying to show members of the press just how much integrity he had left in him

And later realising he used to have double that amount, went out looking where he thought he may have left the rest of it

Meanwhile, snoozing up the back, a wrecking ball awaits his opportunity for revenge

Next week in the Coalition:

 Kelly O’Dwyer will debate Big Ted from Play School, as it turned out Play Schools ex host, Noni Hazlehurst, was too tough for her on Q&A and made Kelly look rather silly.

Tony Abbott is back from a one week break, so the 6 week process of bringing Tony up to speed begins.

Joe Hockey discovers his calculator needs batteries.

Greg Combet offers Joe a solar powered calculator, but Greg Hunt advises him it probably won’t work, as solar power is bad magic

You never know what else may unfold….

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Chick Peas, The Do’s & Don’ts

Before I start, I just want to point out that I take no pleasure in the misfortune of others… (much).
I wanted to share a story with you from my travelling days, that I thought was hilarious, but I don’t know… maybe you had to be there, anyway, here it is.

I was about 27 at the time, and had been working in the UK in a pub putting some money together to take off to Europe for a few months. I was over there with my girlfriend at the time whose name was Lisa. We had saved up enough money to last us for a few months, even with plenty of money left over for lots of grog and misadventure… as you do. We had even saved up enough to buy ourselves a car to drive around the continent in, it was a Talbot Solaro, and it looked a bit like this, except it was Gold (or metallic bog brown).

We had a friend who was staying in London whose name was Sue. Sue was a friendly girl, she had been a goth in a previous life and was clinging onto it a bit, however she was a good looking girl, and was always a laugh to be around.

Now Sue had just broken up with her boyfriend, and decided that she wanted to go to Spain, drink copious amounts of Sangria, meet herself a handsome Spaniard, and get laid. Seeing as we were headed in that direction, she figured she may as well come with us.

So a date was set, a roadtrip planned, the car packed, and off we set, we were headed to Pamplona first for the running of the bulls.

Sue told us that she was a bit short on cash, so if we weren’t doing anything major we agreed to eat and drink cheap where possible. This turned out to be a little too simple as it turned out.

We stopped at a big supermarket in France along the way to pick up some supplies for dinner, whilst the girls were looking in the food aisles, I wandered over to where all the alcohol was sold. Whilst I was there I formed a friendship with a lovely young girl who was working there giving away samples. Being the nice guy that I still am today, I told her I would keep an eye on her little display while she took a half hour break.

Being the type of bloke that always thinks of others I thought it would really help this nice girl if I helped get rid of some of her merchandise. That way she would run out, and then have to go home early, I thought a nice little early mark would really make her happy.

This was going to be tough though, as she was giving away little plastic cups of beer, under her little display stand she had a small keg. Well I went and got the girls, and some larger plastic cups from another aisle, and we selflessly ripped into it, drinking as much as possible, as fast as possible. It was like a skulling contest for the next 15-20 minutes, I hate to think how much lager we consumed, and for the life of me I still can’t figure out why we didn’t get booted out of the store. Anyway, Lisa picked 3 bottles of the cheapest red wine she could find, and I thought that it would best if we saved the poor girl the embarrassment of having to thank us, so best off if we legged it.

As our journey had been somewhat delayed by having to stop and sober up a bit after our unexpected private keg party, myself and Lisa thought we would stop and find ourselves a place to camp, as we were all staying in tents, and then go out for a bite. We stopped at a roadside Fruit and Veg place so Sue could pick up something to eat, as she wanted to save her money for going out that night to pick up her Spanish man she had talked about non-stop since leaving London.

She jumped into the back seat again and off we went.

As we drove along Sue was saying how clever she was, she’d purchased herself some chick peas at the shop, and was stuffing her face with them. Her theory was that they were cheap, and they expand in your stomach, meaning that she would save a heap of money on food, and therefore have more to spend going out to meet her man. It was all about saving a few quid.

About 45 minutes later we arrived at a campground in a town whose name I don’t remember, it was full of other backpackers, and we found ourselves a spot to put our tents up down the bottom end, reasonably close to the toilet and shower block, and a short stroll from the pool.

As we started to erect our tents, Sue began moaning, groaning and clutching at her stomach, she was looking particularly unwell, and was dealing with some rather bad stomach cramps. She told us that she thought she had eaten too many chick peas, and they were now expanding and causing her grief. Being the considerate guy again, I erected her tent while laughing at her total stupidity.

Unfortunately, Sue’s cramps were only getting worse by the minute, my advice to Sue was to wander over to the bogs and have a good spew. This took some convincing, as she had apparently never attempted the old two fingers down the throat trick before. After about 15 minutes of persuasion, and seeing as though she was constantly collapsing doubled up on the ground holding her stomach, she finally decided to give it a go, after all, she had nothing to lose.

About 15 or so minutes later, we saw Sue walking back with her head down, shoulders sagging, looking like she had just had the wind knocked out of her, but at least she wasn’t holding her stomach. When she got to us, Lisa asked her how it went and what was wrong. Sue replied “Do you think anyone will notice?”

“Notice what?” I replied, although I had noticed she was speaking a bit funny.

Sue looked up and opened her mouth, and I didn’t know whether to laugh at her, or cry for her, so I just sat there with my jaw in my lap for a minute or so dumbfounded. Then I freaked.

One thing that I hadn’t known about Sue, is that when she was a little girl, she had apparently had a rather nasty encounter with the bars on a trampoline. Legend says that she thought that coming down from a great height and trying to bite the rail at the side as she hit it was a good idea, but unfortunately for Sue, despite a valiant effort , she came off second best. The end result of all that was that Sue found herself missing 5 of her top teeth, including the front ones, and the trampoline found itself homeless.

It turned out the chick peas had been expanding at a rapid rate, and such was the pressure building up in poor Sue’s guts, that it only took the slightest touch to her throat, and whammo. The chick peas made their exit with the force of a freight train barrelling back up the tracks in her throat at full speed. Sue, leaning over the porcelain throne on her trembling knees, didn’t even realise that due to the chick peas coming up with such gusto, and in such a rush, that her teeth had gone along for the ride. Alas, it was only after she had clambered to her feet and pulled the chain, with a huge sigh of relief at the release of all that pressure, did she realise that her teeth, and her hopes of picking up, were on their way down the drain to a septic tank.

I have to hand it to Sue, despite being utterly devastated, she still managed to laugh about it amidst the tears. Even she could see the funny side. However, strangely enough, she would not allow any photo’s (she probably regrets that now).

Anyway, her bid to save money, cost her not only the chance to find love (although she had some offers which I’m sure I don’t need to go into), but also an absolute fortune. In order to get new teeth, her parents had to have new ones made back in Sydney from her dental plans, and then flown to London. She waited for them for what must have seemed like an eternity, and needless to say, they cost more than the dinner with us that night would have cost.

As for Spain, it was brilliant. The running of the bulls was absolutely insane, but in the best of ways. We saw a bullfight, and nearly caused a riot as we were booing and abusing the matador, it is a truly sickening spectacle and I advise you all to avoid it. The Salvador Dali museum was also a highlight, that man had more talent in one of his moustache whiskers, than most of us have in our entire extended families….

What’s the moral of the story? Well there’s two, don’t be a tightarse, it doesn’t always pay, and don’t headbutt trampolines, it’s a no win….

Also, if you have false teeth, check before you flush.